I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
