even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
