she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
