when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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