I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
