There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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