The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
