If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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