Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
