you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
