# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
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