dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
