are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
