There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
