So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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