even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
