As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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