I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
