So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
