We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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