The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
