You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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