Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
