I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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