dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
