VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
