How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
