Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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