At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
