Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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