Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
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