Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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