Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
