Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
