I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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