Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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