I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
