I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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