I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
