No, drunk sperm still make babies.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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