I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize