Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
