ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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