So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
pop tarts are not kleenex
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
don't judge my taste in strippers
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
