good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
