Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
