Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
