I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
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His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
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You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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