you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
