Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
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I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
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I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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