He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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