So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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