Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
