There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
