I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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