If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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