He is like the real live version of the state fair..
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
