just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She bit a glass in half.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Randomize
