Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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