My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
