the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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